Fic: Comes Out of Darkness, Morn (37/37)
Mar. 16th, 2012 12:24 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sara_wolfTitle: Comes Out of Darkness, Morn
Rating: PG
Warnings: none
Summary: Pax's disappearance shattered Paige. Losing Prue, three years later, reopens old wounds that she thought she'd managed to close off, forever. But, through tragedy comes a sliver of light, and discovering that she's a witch is only the beginning...
*****
Paige sighed as she leaned back against the couch, rubbing at her temples with the heels of her hands. She had the scrapbook containing her mother's letters to Sam open on the coffee table, along with everything else that her sisters had rescued from his old place down at the lake. Pictures of her mother and Sam (which was where she remembered seeing his face before, and why he looked so familiar), articles about all the drowning at the lake (including Patty's, which gave Paige chills to read), a certificate for Teacher of the Year, and a birth certificate. All of it painted a picture of the man that she'd left alone in his apartment, and she was more determined than ever to help him find himself, again.
When the couch cushion sank down beside her, she looked over, expecting to see Henry. It wasn't him, but she wasn't really surprised at who she saw.
"Hey, Mom," she greeted, with a smile, and Patty reached out to pull her into a hug.
"How are you, my darling?" she asked, and Paige relaxed against her mother's side.
"Well," she remarked, "I'm still sane."
"You've been so strong," Patty told her, quietly. "Paige, I am so proud of you."
"The Elders sent you down here?" Paige asked, getting a nod in return.
"Leo persuaded them to send me," Patty replied. "We haven't gotten a lot of time together, since you found your sisters, and we lost so much before-"
"You and Sam," Paige interrupted her, gently, "you gave me up to protect me. Leo told me what would have happened, if the Elders had found out-"
"It was still the hardest decision of our lives," Patty said. "Paige, I wanted to keep you with me, with all of my heart. I never wanted to give you up. Neither did your father. Losing you, even to save you, it was so hard on him." She closed her eyes, briefly. "Losing a child, no matter what the reason-"
"I know," Paige said, softly, when Patty stopped, suddenly. "Mom, I found him," she added. "I found Sam."
When there was no reaction from her mother, she snuck a look over at the older woman.
"You don't really see surprised," she remarked, idly. "It was you, wasn't it? You led me to Sam, led me to find him."
"Your connection is genuine," Patty assured her. "You're both Whitelighters, you share blood, you would have found each other, eventually. I just helped things along. Are you angry?" she asked, when Paige remained silent.
"No," Paige decided, after a moment. "I mean, I think at one point, I would have been. When I was a kid, when I first found out that I was adopted, I hated you both for not keeping me. I told myself that I wasn't good enough to be your daughter, that you didn't love me. Guess what Barbas capitalized on?" she added, wryly.
"Paige, I have never stopped loving you," Patty said, earnestly, and Paige covered her mother's hand with her own, squeezing her fingers, gently.
"I know," she repeated, firmly. "With everything that I've learned about myself over the last year, this family has been the best part of it. And I wouldn't give any of you up for the world."
"Even Sam?" Patty asked, after a moment, and Paige chuckled at her mother's absolute stubbornness.
"If I don't hate you for giving me the chance to have an amazing family," she pointed out, "how can I hate Sam for the same thing?"
"That's awfully rational of you," Patty commented.
"Well," Paige replied, "I've spent the last month locked in a cycle of fear, anger, and pain. It's kind of nice to be a little Zen about things, you know?"
"What are you going to do about Sam?" Patty finally asked her.
"Find him," Paige replied, with a shrug. "Talk. Get to know each other."
"He blames himself for not being able to protect you," Patty told her, quietly. "I know Sam, and ever since we had to give you up, it's been eating at him. He's been convinced for years that if he'd just fought harder-"
Paige shook her head, silently cutting her mother off. "I wouldn't be the person I am, today, without the life I've had," she said. "I wouldn't trade a single second, good or bad. You and Sam, you didn't just save my life, you gave me one, too."
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Two hours later, after a bout of meditation, a failed attempt at sensing (she really needed to get Leo to teach her that one; surely not all of a Whitelighter's powers were triggered by experience?), and a scrying session, complete with a crystal dotted with specks of her blood, she finally found Sam.
She orbed to the older Whitelighter, blinking in surprise as she found herself standing on top of one of the towers of the Golden Gate Bridge. Sam was standing at the edge, staring out at the water, a closed-off expression on his face.
Paige took a step forward, but then she hesitated. Despite her words to Patty, she really had no idea what to say to Sam – to her father. She'd forgiven him any sins, real or imaginary, a long time ago, the day she'd held her own, newborn daughter in her arms and realized just what she would do to protect her child. But, she knew that Sam wasn't likely to hear her, not until he was willing to forgive himself for what he thought he'd done.
'Like you can forgive yourself for Pax?' an insidious little voice spoke up in the back of her mind.
No, the irony of the situation was not lost on her.
'I should tell him,' she thought. 'If anyone can understand, it's Sam. Maybe I can help him forgive himself. Maybe we can help each other.'
She opened her mouth to say something – anything, she didn't know what – but she froze. She couldn't get the words out of her throat. And she could see Pax in some, hazy memory, begging to know why Paige couldn't save her. Her stomach rolled, wildly, at the image, and a spike of pain shot through her heart.
'I can't,' she realized, as she ruthlessly stuffed the painful memory down into the dark corner of her mind where she put everything that hurt. 'But, now I don't know how to reach Sam.'
As it turned out, she hadn't needed to have worried. While she'd been lost in her thoughts, Sam had turned around and noticed her presence, and was watching her with that same, blank expression in his eyes.
"Didn't I tell you to leave me alone?" he asked, sounding tired.
"I have a hard time minding my own business," Paige said, forcing a lightness into her tone that she didn't really feel. "I get that from my mother."
"Patty could be very persistent," Sam said, mildly, and Paige raised an eyebrow in surprise.
"How long have you known?" she asked.
"Since I started thinking about it," Sam told her. "I couldn't figure out how the Elders had located me to assign a Whitelighter to me-"
"Because if they were able to locate you in the first place," Paige said, "they wouldn't need the Whitelighter."
"Exactly," Sam replied. "But, you wouldn't need the Elders to be able to find me. We're connected; we'll always be able to find each other. I just don't know why you'd want to look for me," he added, bitterly.
"To be fair," Paige said, carefully, "I wasn't actually looking for you. I thought you were dead," she pointed out, when Sam looked at her. "Piper told me how you saved them from the demon that killed Mom."
"About a year after," Sam said, after a long moment, "the Elders offered me the chance to be a Whitelighter, again. And for a while, everything was okay. But, then I wasn't fast enough, and a charge lost his life-"
"That wasn't your fault," Paige told him, but Sam didn't look like he believed her. "You can't save all of them," she insisted, gently. "My sisters taught me that, after I lost my first Innocent."
"And you're going to tell me that you believe that?" Sam asked, dryly.
"I have to," Paige replied. "Otherwise, I'll go insane."
"Why did you come after me?" Sam asked, suddenly, changing the subject.
"I thought we already covered that," Paige commented, but Sam shook his head.
"Why did you keep coming after me?" he corrected himself.
"You kept calling out to me," Paige told him.
"Not consciously," Sam muttered, under his breath.
"Still kept calling to me," Paige countered, stubbornly. "And, I'll admit that I was curious, once I realized who you were. I want to get to know you. You are my father," she added, when Sam gave her an incredulous look.
"Some father I've been," he muttered, and Paige rolled her eyes.
"Okay, you know what?" she snapped, impatiently, "stop it. Stop beating yourself up."
"I abandoned you," Sam said, sounding disgusted with himself.
"Saved my life," Paige shot back, and then she threw her hands, skyward. "Why are we even arguing about this?"
"Patty and I never should have given you up," Sam insisted.
"You never would have been allowed to keep me," Paige pointed out. "Leo told me what would have happened if the Elders had found out about me before they did. I wouldn't have been allowed to grow up with my sisters; I would have been nothing more than an experiment to them, something to study. Mom would have been punished for breaking their stupid rules, the Charmed Ones might never have existed, you would have had your soul recycled-"
"I should have protected you," Sam muttered, and Paige sighed when she realized that he wasn't listening to her.
"You did protect me," she said, fiercely, grabbing his shoulder and shaking him until he looked at her. "You and Mom protected me the only way you could. By giving me up, and giving me a life where the Elders couldn't find me."
"Didn't work, though," Sam grumbled. "You're a witch, you're on their radar, again-"
"Yeah, but now I'm invaluable," Paige reassured him. "Without me, there is no Power of Three. And besides, the Elders relaxed those stupid rules enough for Piper to be expecting her first baby."
"Different council now than it was back then," Sam told her. "Piper's having a baby?" he asked, sounding amazed. "She and Leo-"
"Married," Paige replied. "Going on two years."
"Good for them," Sam said, softly. A wistful look came over his face, and he added, "I only wish your mother and I could have had the same chance."
"She's the one who led me to you," Paige told him, with a small smile. "I guess she figured that we needed each other."
"What did I tell you?" Sam retorted, grinning. "She's persistent. So are you," he added, giving her a wry look. "Thank you for not giving up on me."
"Thank you for giving me a life," Paige returned. "Come to dinner, tonight," she added, getting a surprised look from Sam. "We can talk some more, you can see Piper, Phoebe, and Leo, again." When Sam hesitated, she reached out and took his hand. "What do you say, Dad?"
Sam shot her a startled look, looking down at their joined hands in muted astonishment. "Dinner sounds good," he finally answered. "I'd love to."
To be continued here
Rating: PG
Warnings: none
Summary: Pax's disappearance shattered Paige. Losing Prue, three years later, reopens old wounds that she thought she'd managed to close off, forever. But, through tragedy comes a sliver of light, and discovering that she's a witch is only the beginning...
*****
Paige sighed as she leaned back against the couch, rubbing at her temples with the heels of her hands. She had the scrapbook containing her mother's letters to Sam open on the coffee table, along with everything else that her sisters had rescued from his old place down at the lake. Pictures of her mother and Sam (which was where she remembered seeing his face before, and why he looked so familiar), articles about all the drowning at the lake (including Patty's, which gave Paige chills to read), a certificate for Teacher of the Year, and a birth certificate. All of it painted a picture of the man that she'd left alone in his apartment, and she was more determined than ever to help him find himself, again.
When the couch cushion sank down beside her, she looked over, expecting to see Henry. It wasn't him, but she wasn't really surprised at who she saw.
"Hey, Mom," she greeted, with a smile, and Patty reached out to pull her into a hug.
"How are you, my darling?" she asked, and Paige relaxed against her mother's side.
"Well," she remarked, "I'm still sane."
"You've been so strong," Patty told her, quietly. "Paige, I am so proud of you."
"The Elders sent you down here?" Paige asked, getting a nod in return.
"Leo persuaded them to send me," Patty replied. "We haven't gotten a lot of time together, since you found your sisters, and we lost so much before-"
"You and Sam," Paige interrupted her, gently, "you gave me up to protect me. Leo told me what would have happened, if the Elders had found out-"
"It was still the hardest decision of our lives," Patty said. "Paige, I wanted to keep you with me, with all of my heart. I never wanted to give you up. Neither did your father. Losing you, even to save you, it was so hard on him." She closed her eyes, briefly. "Losing a child, no matter what the reason-"
"I know," Paige said, softly, when Patty stopped, suddenly. "Mom, I found him," she added. "I found Sam."
When there was no reaction from her mother, she snuck a look over at the older woman.
"You don't really see surprised," she remarked, idly. "It was you, wasn't it? You led me to Sam, led me to find him."
"Your connection is genuine," Patty assured her. "You're both Whitelighters, you share blood, you would have found each other, eventually. I just helped things along. Are you angry?" she asked, when Paige remained silent.
"No," Paige decided, after a moment. "I mean, I think at one point, I would have been. When I was a kid, when I first found out that I was adopted, I hated you both for not keeping me. I told myself that I wasn't good enough to be your daughter, that you didn't love me. Guess what Barbas capitalized on?" she added, wryly.
"Paige, I have never stopped loving you," Patty said, earnestly, and Paige covered her mother's hand with her own, squeezing her fingers, gently.
"I know," she repeated, firmly. "With everything that I've learned about myself over the last year, this family has been the best part of it. And I wouldn't give any of you up for the world."
"Even Sam?" Patty asked, after a moment, and Paige chuckled at her mother's absolute stubbornness.
"If I don't hate you for giving me the chance to have an amazing family," she pointed out, "how can I hate Sam for the same thing?"
"That's awfully rational of you," Patty commented.
"Well," Paige replied, "I've spent the last month locked in a cycle of fear, anger, and pain. It's kind of nice to be a little Zen about things, you know?"
"What are you going to do about Sam?" Patty finally asked her.
"Find him," Paige replied, with a shrug. "Talk. Get to know each other."
"He blames himself for not being able to protect you," Patty told her, quietly. "I know Sam, and ever since we had to give you up, it's been eating at him. He's been convinced for years that if he'd just fought harder-"
Paige shook her head, silently cutting her mother off. "I wouldn't be the person I am, today, without the life I've had," she said. "I wouldn't trade a single second, good or bad. You and Sam, you didn't just save my life, you gave me one, too."
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Two hours later, after a bout of meditation, a failed attempt at sensing (she really needed to get Leo to teach her that one; surely not all of a Whitelighter's powers were triggered by experience?), and a scrying session, complete with a crystal dotted with specks of her blood, she finally found Sam.
She orbed to the older Whitelighter, blinking in surprise as she found herself standing on top of one of the towers of the Golden Gate Bridge. Sam was standing at the edge, staring out at the water, a closed-off expression on his face.
Paige took a step forward, but then she hesitated. Despite her words to Patty, she really had no idea what to say to Sam – to her father. She'd forgiven him any sins, real or imaginary, a long time ago, the day she'd held her own, newborn daughter in her arms and realized just what she would do to protect her child. But, she knew that Sam wasn't likely to hear her, not until he was willing to forgive himself for what he thought he'd done.
'Like you can forgive yourself for Pax?' an insidious little voice spoke up in the back of her mind.
No, the irony of the situation was not lost on her.
'I should tell him,' she thought. 'If anyone can understand, it's Sam. Maybe I can help him forgive himself. Maybe we can help each other.'
She opened her mouth to say something – anything, she didn't know what – but she froze. She couldn't get the words out of her throat. And she could see Pax in some, hazy memory, begging to know why Paige couldn't save her. Her stomach rolled, wildly, at the image, and a spike of pain shot through her heart.
'I can't,' she realized, as she ruthlessly stuffed the painful memory down into the dark corner of her mind where she put everything that hurt. 'But, now I don't know how to reach Sam.'
As it turned out, she hadn't needed to have worried. While she'd been lost in her thoughts, Sam had turned around and noticed her presence, and was watching her with that same, blank expression in his eyes.
"Didn't I tell you to leave me alone?" he asked, sounding tired.
"I have a hard time minding my own business," Paige said, forcing a lightness into her tone that she didn't really feel. "I get that from my mother."
"Patty could be very persistent," Sam said, mildly, and Paige raised an eyebrow in surprise.
"How long have you known?" she asked.
"Since I started thinking about it," Sam told her. "I couldn't figure out how the Elders had located me to assign a Whitelighter to me-"
"Because if they were able to locate you in the first place," Paige said, "they wouldn't need the Whitelighter."
"Exactly," Sam replied. "But, you wouldn't need the Elders to be able to find me. We're connected; we'll always be able to find each other. I just don't know why you'd want to look for me," he added, bitterly.
"To be fair," Paige said, carefully, "I wasn't actually looking for you. I thought you were dead," she pointed out, when Sam looked at her. "Piper told me how you saved them from the demon that killed Mom."
"About a year after," Sam said, after a long moment, "the Elders offered me the chance to be a Whitelighter, again. And for a while, everything was okay. But, then I wasn't fast enough, and a charge lost his life-"
"That wasn't your fault," Paige told him, but Sam didn't look like he believed her. "You can't save all of them," she insisted, gently. "My sisters taught me that, after I lost my first Innocent."
"And you're going to tell me that you believe that?" Sam asked, dryly.
"I have to," Paige replied. "Otherwise, I'll go insane."
"Why did you come after me?" Sam asked, suddenly, changing the subject.
"I thought we already covered that," Paige commented, but Sam shook his head.
"Why did you keep coming after me?" he corrected himself.
"You kept calling out to me," Paige told him.
"Not consciously," Sam muttered, under his breath.
"Still kept calling to me," Paige countered, stubbornly. "And, I'll admit that I was curious, once I realized who you were. I want to get to know you. You are my father," she added, when Sam gave her an incredulous look.
"Some father I've been," he muttered, and Paige rolled her eyes.
"Okay, you know what?" she snapped, impatiently, "stop it. Stop beating yourself up."
"I abandoned you," Sam said, sounding disgusted with himself.
"Saved my life," Paige shot back, and then she threw her hands, skyward. "Why are we even arguing about this?"
"Patty and I never should have given you up," Sam insisted.
"You never would have been allowed to keep me," Paige pointed out. "Leo told me what would have happened if the Elders had found out about me before they did. I wouldn't have been allowed to grow up with my sisters; I would have been nothing more than an experiment to them, something to study. Mom would have been punished for breaking their stupid rules, the Charmed Ones might never have existed, you would have had your soul recycled-"
"I should have protected you," Sam muttered, and Paige sighed when she realized that he wasn't listening to her.
"You did protect me," she said, fiercely, grabbing his shoulder and shaking him until he looked at her. "You and Mom protected me the only way you could. By giving me up, and giving me a life where the Elders couldn't find me."
"Didn't work, though," Sam grumbled. "You're a witch, you're on their radar, again-"
"Yeah, but now I'm invaluable," Paige reassured him. "Without me, there is no Power of Three. And besides, the Elders relaxed those stupid rules enough for Piper to be expecting her first baby."
"Different council now than it was back then," Sam told her. "Piper's having a baby?" he asked, sounding amazed. "She and Leo-"
"Married," Paige replied. "Going on two years."
"Good for them," Sam said, softly. A wistful look came over his face, and he added, "I only wish your mother and I could have had the same chance."
"She's the one who led me to you," Paige told him, with a small smile. "I guess she figured that we needed each other."
"What did I tell you?" Sam retorted, grinning. "She's persistent. So are you," he added, giving her a wry look. "Thank you for not giving up on me."
"Thank you for giving me a life," Paige returned. "Come to dinner, tonight," she added, getting a surprised look from Sam. "We can talk some more, you can see Piper, Phoebe, and Leo, again." When Sam hesitated, she reached out and took his hand. "What do you say, Dad?"
Sam shot her a startled look, looking down at their joined hands in muted astonishment. "Dinner sounds good," he finally answered. "I'd love to."
To be continued here
